2008 Woodie Awards
G.H.O.S.T. is a terrorist convention
John Ludwig
Issue date: 10/31/07 Section: Perspectives
Disclaimer: This article is merely fictional and satirical, and furthermore does no reflect my true beliefs or opinions.
In the past few years, I have viewed Halloween with a more scrutinizing eye. I have concluded that Halloween is essentially terrorism in its sweetest and most delicious form. Guised under the attractive wrappings of caramel candies and chocolates, Halloween has too long undermined the national effort of advancing patriotism.
Imagine my surprise this past Sunday evening when I found myself in the middle of a terrorist convention right here on campus. This convention is called Greater Halloween Options for Safe Trick-or-Treating, also known as G.H.O.S.T. This event promotes a "safe environment for children to trick-or-treat around campus." What that really means, is that it promotes terrorism by allowing terrorists-in-training to come to Austin Peay State University and to carry out training exercises.
I was appalled to discover that this isn't the first time this event has been sponsored by APSU. Consequently, I have resolved to draw up and advocate a plan of action against this tasty threat to national security.
My plan is to run for SGA and eventually pass completely bogus legislation that will give me dictatorship over the student body. This legislation will ideally have a horribly contrived name to fit a cool and catchy acronym - the PATRIOT Act for instance. This legislation, or bill rather, will allow the SGA to monitor everyone's cholesterol. If anyone's should increase irregularly, it would be ground for that person's detainment. While I'm at it, I'll mandate permits to buy toilet paper and eggs, the long favored weapon of Halloween terrorists.
I would also establish secret prisons, fat "physical fitness" camps, where suspects are tortured with cardio exercises until they admit to acts of terrorism. Then we can try them without jury. Justice is served with no dessert, as it should be.
Since it will be some time before I can implement my plan, you should know that the most important step to negating Halloween lies within. You must set the example. You must deter Halloween. What does it say, when we tell America's children that it's okay to threaten your neighbors with invasion trickery, should they fail to comply with the demands of precious oil/sweet candy? I'll tell you what the voices in my head think. They say that we're no better than the terrorists when we allow our neighbors to go trick-or-treating.
Therefore, as parents, siblings and peers to the nation's youth, you should set the patriotic example by prohibiting this practice. Children in particular are easily swayed and require much attention, so it's best to invade their privacy as much as possible. I know it's not fool-proof, but it'll have to do until I get that legislation passed in the SGA.
To some of you, my intentions may sound like the ignorant, flawed logic of an unqualified president, who takes the misguided approach of pretending to be the common man by being a total idiot. But, I assure you, they're not. Halloween will foster nothing but potential terrorists for decades to come. The last thing APSU needs to do is sponsor the demise of American hopes and dreams.
So as I prepare my campaign for SGA (donations will be encouraged), I'll leave you with this: Just as Adam and Eve fell by the apple, don't let yourselves or your fellow Americans fall by the candied apple.
In the past few years, I have viewed Halloween with a more scrutinizing eye. I have concluded that Halloween is essentially terrorism in its sweetest and most delicious form. Guised under the attractive wrappings of caramel candies and chocolates, Halloween has too long undermined the national effort of advancing patriotism.
Imagine my surprise this past Sunday evening when I found myself in the middle of a terrorist convention right here on campus. This convention is called Greater Halloween Options for Safe Trick-or-Treating, also known as G.H.O.S.T. This event promotes a "safe environment for children to trick-or-treat around campus." What that really means, is that it promotes terrorism by allowing terrorists-in-training to come to Austin Peay State University and to carry out training exercises.
I was appalled to discover that this isn't the first time this event has been sponsored by APSU. Consequently, I have resolved to draw up and advocate a plan of action against this tasty threat to national security.
My plan is to run for SGA and eventually pass completely bogus legislation that will give me dictatorship over the student body. This legislation will ideally have a horribly contrived name to fit a cool and catchy acronym - the PATRIOT Act for instance. This legislation, or bill rather, will allow the SGA to monitor everyone's cholesterol. If anyone's should increase irregularly, it would be ground for that person's detainment. While I'm at it, I'll mandate permits to buy toilet paper and eggs, the long favored weapon of Halloween terrorists.
I would also establish secret prisons, fat "physical fitness" camps, where suspects are tortured with cardio exercises until they admit to acts of terrorism. Then we can try them without jury. Justice is served with no dessert, as it should be.
Since it will be some time before I can implement my plan, you should know that the most important step to negating Halloween lies within. You must set the example. You must deter Halloween. What does it say, when we tell America's children that it's okay to threaten your neighbors with invasion trickery, should they fail to comply with the demands of precious oil/sweet candy? I'll tell you what the voices in my head think. They say that we're no better than the terrorists when we allow our neighbors to go trick-or-treating.
Therefore, as parents, siblings and peers to the nation's youth, you should set the patriotic example by prohibiting this practice. Children in particular are easily swayed and require much attention, so it's best to invade their privacy as much as possible. I know it's not fool-proof, but it'll have to do until I get that legislation passed in the SGA.
To some of you, my intentions may sound like the ignorant, flawed logic of an unqualified president, who takes the misguided approach of pretending to be the common man by being a total idiot. But, I assure you, they're not. Halloween will foster nothing but potential terrorists for decades to come. The last thing APSU needs to do is sponsor the demise of American hopes and dreams.
So as I prepare my campaign for SGA (donations will be encouraged), I'll leave you with this: Just as Adam and Eve fell by the apple, don't let yourselves or your fellow Americans fall by the candied apple.
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