Baggy pants get the crack-down

Really now, I blame plumbers everywhere. If plumbers (the more overweight and sweaty the better) had not made this current fashion of wearing your pants so low that it exposes your underwear or, in the event you "forgot" your undergarments, exposing your hot cross buns, then we would not be facing the current backlash against the unholy trinity known as the baggies, the droopies and the thongies. Darn those plumbers and secondly, those handymen who have insidiously corrupted our youth, stricken our woman-folk with the "falling disease" and in general, re-affirmed that we, as a nation, are going somewhere rather hot in a hand-basket. Though, apparently, we are going to make sure our backsides are well aired-out along the way. Not buying it?

Well, how about this version? The current fashion statement, particularly with young men and to a great extent young men of color, of wearing shorts that fall somewhere around their waist and hover perilously close to their tailbone, ever-threatening to head fully "south" for the winter, apparently started in prison. Inmates and gang members in the 1980s were not given belts to "accessorize" their droopy, orange jumpsuits for fear gang-bangers would commit hangings, beatings and homicides with the belts. The result was a droopy, sloppy look which by the early '90s had made it into gangsta rap videos, which then was embraced by suburban skateboarders and is now popping up on youths everywhere. And some cities like Atlanta are cracking down on what several officials and concerned members of the community see as more than just a fashion statement, but rather a symptom of a bigger problem - the lower the self-esteem, the lower the pants.

While Atlanta officials consider banning the wearing of pants or shorts that expose boxers, briefs or thongs, other areas like Delcambre, La. have already, metaphorically speaking, spanked would-be offenders with an ordinance banning such fashions. The ordinance carries a $500 fine or six months in jail (where presumably you would then have no choice, but to not wear tight-fitting clothes given the mandatory droopy, orange jump-suits). Talk about coming full fashion-circle.

But wait, that's not the whole long and short of it. The need to "get down" is not confined to the sizzling South, places like Trenton, N.J. and Stratford, Conn. have also been grappling with this weighty issue. Opponents argue that such "fashionista police" unfairly target black youth, who, while not exclusively enjoying "airing it out," tend to be more open to "going baggy" than any other sector of our society. Critics also suggest that when towns move against black youths in this manner it is a form of "racial profiling," meant primarily to harass otherwise law-abiding, though low-riding citizens. As one 19 year old said at a recent Atlanta council debate, "Clothes are not a crime."

Wait just a Vera Wang moment, my young, thong-wearing, baggy-pant drooping friend. Have we learned nothing from Joan Rivers and her equally annoying red-carpet patrolling daughter? Showing no fashion sense is indeed a "crime." To whit, here are some other offenders who threaten the equanimity of our society at least if not more so than our young brothers and sisters who trippingly go about their day in their thongs and baggies:

1. Older, pot-bellied "dudes" who wear gold jewelry, blinding white loafers with black socks and pants worn well-above their navel. Go Daddy-O, go.

2. Tourists who insist upon wearing thick, athletic tube socks with their open-toed sandals. Who says Europeans are the coolest, anyways?

3. Celebrities such as Britney "No panties" Spears and Lindsay "Make mine a double" Lohan, who live up to their names. Cover "it" up, sisters.

4. Really big boys and girls who insist on wearing anything that says "Lycra" and is as tight-fitting and blood-clotting as the name implies. Santa never jiggled so much and he was and is perpetually jovial.

5. Middle-aged and beyond "boys" who wear bicycle shorts, even when they are not on a bicycle. In fact, they don't even own a bicycle. Go figure.

Of course, fashion has always been a form of personal expression in our country. And there have always been fears and concerns about what such expression meant and what it could lead to. Elvis wore silk shirts, tight leather pants and seemed to be unable to control the "whole lotta shaking going on" as he sang. Towns tried to pass ordinances and banned showing Elvis "the Pelvis" from the waist down. Girls were chastised for rolling their socks down to show too much leg in the '50s. Recently, some counties in Florida have passed anti-thong ordinances banning young men and women from "cracking" the local dress code during spring break (Do you really want to burn there anyway?). Women can get beaten and face death in some cultures today for exposing even an ankle. Doesn't it seem we can do miraculous feats every day but we can't quite escape the debate over "skorts" (kids, ask your mom)?

The ongoing debate over baggy pants is why many schools have simply adopted uniforms. Just so long as my uniform designer is Ralph Lauren, I hear he did wonders for the boys and girls at the U.S. Open. Well, whatever your choice, at least wear sensible shoes. Some things should never go out of style.